Sunday blues...

After reading a friend's blog, I realized we are both feeling the same way tonight...

Man, I love my kid! Love him so much it hurts!! I always want to do the very best for him, and I wonder where I fall short. Does he not get enough attention? Too much discipline, not enough? Should he be experiencing more in life? I can't take him to library time and play groups like stay-at-home moms, so does that mean I am a bad mom?

It never ends! It never gets easier either, there is always a reason I don't want to drop off. So why not stay home? I know, I feel the thoughts sometimes. My husband has a good job, we are financially responsible, so why wouldn't you just stay home? Or there are some that may even think I am career-obsessed and selfish. I wish I had all the answers. I wish I had the definite call to stay home, I wish I knew I would be happy that way. I wonder if some of this interaction for Chaz isn't really good. And I think I may suck at being a stay-at-home mommy, I might be bored, I might get needy, I might be a bear to live with.

So I do my best, my evenings and weekends are focused on Chaz and family time, date nights happen after he is tucked in bed. I bust my butt during the day to get done as fast as I can, and some days you just can't get done fast. I am so much more efficent these days, personally and professionally. All this doesn't leave much time for myself, but I don't care one bit. I have time to chat on the phone while I am driving to see my customers and I have a lunch hour once or twice a week. That's pretty good time for me. I don't know how my husband does it - he has much less time for anything.

I actually think I have one of the very best jobs for a working mom, but I wonder if that's enough. I wrestle with these thoughts often.

I can say, for the most part, I have been content working. However I don't think job contentment can erase mommy guilt, or the panick you feel when I know he's had a rough day and I can't get there fast enough. More recently I am beginning to wonder if this is the best choice for my entire family. I wonder if maybe I wouldn't entirely fail the stay-at-home mom thing.

Chaz is cutting his sixth tooth of the month, and I know he is in pain. I know if I was at home he would be constantly held, he would make darn sure of that. Whether that's best or not, that's how it would be. I know his sitter will take care of him. I think he manages to get most of her lap time during the day, he's just a cuddler and he is determined when it comes to it:)

I have the Sunday blues, Mondays come too fast...